Coke Zero is Dead, Long Live Coke Zero.
My darlings, today’s note is a Mourning Missive, for the greatest diet soda of all time is being taken out to the barn and shot. The Coca Cola Company has decided to take away the only thing that brings any light into my battered soul in this dark time, and that has powered many the communications professional through days of peril. The monsters are killing Coke Zero.
And don’t try and talk to me about Diet Coke because as Jay Willis over at GQ wrote, “Diet Coke is a beverage that tastes like someone left a watered-down, room-temperature glass of store brand cola in an empty coffee tin for three days.” And yes, I literally just filled a Prime Pantry box with Coke Zero because I'm hoarding now, haters.
BuzzFeed re-posted Anthony Scaramucci’s White House communications plan, where he wrote that the White House communications department should “be dedicated to serving as a PR department for POTUS and his family members.” A note to my clients who read the Missive, and to any future clients out there (CALL ME): I promise to never use three exclamation points in a memo, unless I’m pointing out just how awesome Coke Zero is!!!
And speaking of fake news, the fucking fantastic Olivia Nuzzi looked into how the awful Seth Rich conspiracy theories may have been influenced by the White House.
Since Stephen Miller directed it at Jim Acosta during a contentious White House press briefing, let us join Esquire’s Charles P. Pierce in remembering why it’s pretty damned scary for authoritarian-friendly government figures to be tossing around language like “Cosmopolitan” when directing it at media.
My dearests, have you hugged your favorite competent communications professional today? I’ll also accept love in the form of Doughbies delivery.