Darlings, I missed you! I am back here on the mainland, pretending to still be on island time and finding ways to get macadamia nuts into every food I consume (did you know macadamia nut pesto is actually delicious? IT IS!) And while I miss what the humidity did to my hair, I’m ever so pleased to be back with y’all.

But first, some hashtag personal news. I’m quite pleased to announce that next Tuesday, I will be joining Zeno Group's San Francisco office as a VP, Corporate Communications, working primarily with their client Salesforce. And while working with a company like Salesforce on corporate communications and public affairs is (obviously) a major draw to the role, I am most excited to work with the amazing team and learn from some of the best minds in the business.

Which is to add that I am off this week (wooooo) to reorganize my apartment and wander around the DeYoung Museum, and would love to have coffee with you if you are in the Bay Area. Also, there maaaaaay be an afternoon karaoke celebrating new adventures in the works next weekend, email me if you’re interested in deets. Also, if you’re in town tomorrow, I will be speaking at the sixth season (!!!) opener of Odd Salon! Hope to see you there for a nerd-filled night of SPECTACLE. (This is how normal people take time off, yes? OK.)

Now, on to the internet, much of which I missed whilst on vacation and am now struggling to tell whether it is real or not. So it’s rapid-fire link time, y’all!

• ELEPHANT SEALS TOOK OVER A CALIFORNIA BEACH DURING THE GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN and I am so overjoyed at the idea of a bunch of elephant seals looking at a back-to-work park ranger asking them to move from a parking lot, and those elephant seals being like “nah, bro.” Also that photo on the AP story makes me want to sing “I JUST GOTTA BE MEEEEEEEE” at the top of my lungs.

• Jeff Bezos does not have time for blackmail, and is here to burn down those who attempt to blackmail him.

• This headline tho: This zoo will name a cockroach after your ex, then feed it to a meerkat on Valentine's Day.

• Today—well, last week— in "Alexandra Petri sees into our souls": The amazing thing about the ’80s is they were much longer ago than you realize.

• And finally, I didn’t watch the great big important sportsball match, but I’m never one to pass up a snarky New Yorker headline: The Artless Spectacle of Maroon 5 at the Super Bowl.

Toodles, sweethearts! See you tomorrow.