Flaming Hoverboards, Schlonged Commentary, And Other Christmas Miracles

This morning missive shall be hibernating until the New Year, when it will emerge from a cozy den on January 4th. Have a wonderful holiday in the meantime; I’m going to attempt to actually turn my damned computer off for a bit.

My fantabulous colleague Krista wrote an excellent piece for Re/code about everyone’s favorite spontaneously-combustible holiday annoyance, the hoverboard, and the numerous safety and regulatory challenges the technology is facing. Nothing in there yet about the lasting effects of my legendary withering stare, or my yelling “SAN FRANCISCO IS A WALKABLE CITY” at their owners, on a daily basis.

Another reason to like Bernie Sanders: in response to Trump’s head-scratching comments about Clinton’ trip to the bathroom in the previous debate, he said "I guess I'm a man, men are allowed to go to the bathroom.” He also called Trump a “coward billionaire.”

Speaking of Trump and the strange things he is saying about Clinton, his claims that saying that Hillary was “schlonged” in the 2008 election isn’t a “vulgar” term, which brings up many questions. First, has anyone ever used that term in day-to-day life? It’s a new one for me, and I swear like a sailor’s podcast. Secondly, why? Just… why? He defended his use of the word by citing THE SOLITARY USE of the term in reference to politics, which was also in reference to a presidential ticket with a woman on it. I’m sure Neal Conan, the NPR guy who originally said it, isn’t happy to be getting attention paid to his offhand comment. Third, schlonged is difficult to say - there are many more inappropriate terms he could have used that don’t basically shine a spotlight on themselves. Come on people, let’s be efficient in our idiocy.

The Washington Post posted a comic by Pulitzer Prize-winning cartoonist Ann Telnaes depicting Ted Cruz using his children as dancing monkeys for the campaign (see parody ad from yesterday.) Ted Cruz freaked out, the Post took down the comic, and then Cruz used the controversy over using his children as dancing monkeys to raise money, including an IMAGE OF THE CARTOON ITSELF in his “emergency” fundraising email. And the world continues to turn.

If you’ve ever thought that maybe your Bic Pen for Women cost a few cents more than your husband’s pen of preference, your lady brain isn’t deceiving you: products marketed to women and girls cost seven percent more than products marketed to mean and boys. The Washington Post reports that the New York City Department of Consumer Affairs found the discrepancy, published in a new report. Infuriatingly, "[w]omen, on average, paid 48 percent more for goods like shampoo, conditioner and gel. Razor cartridges came in second place, costing female shoppers 11 percent more.”

I swore I was never going to be this person, but guys this BuzzFeed Listicle speaks to my soul: 28 Times The Internet Perfectly Understood Being A Dog Lover.

Headline of my life: OMG Canadian Cops Charged A Snowplow And A Zamboni Driver With Drunk Driving

I’ll miss you all over the holidays! See you January 4th, or if anything absolutely insane happens before then. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happiest of New Years!