I, For One, Welcome Our New Grooming Overlords.
Sweethearts! Praise whatever deity you subscribe to, because the traditional starting french horn of the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas has been blasted into the Hoover Dam, kicking off a mystical time of year wherein we as a people are gifted with magical products, many of which can be summed up by Internet of Shit. As someone who doesn’t own a television because I’ve fully leaned into this elder millennial hipster persona that I’ve so carefully curated over the past few years, I am QUITE reminded that I watch TV on a laptop, like a 21st century hobo. Rude, CES. RUDE.
But hey, supposedly Procter and Gamble “is focused on putting sensors and artificial intelligence into things like skin advisers, razors, and blemish removers.” So, a wee thing, if you’ll indulge me a moment: Hi! I’m not an engineer. I’m not a scientist. I am not a robotic ethicist. But I still have one question for the folks at P&G: IS IT REALLY SUCH A GOOD IDEA TO PUT SENSORS AND AI INTO RAZORS? We’ve seen this film before, and it doesn’t end well.
How are those New Year’s Resolutions going? Are some of you attempting a Dry January? Then you should read this excellent piece in the Washington Post by a cocktail writer on why restaurants and bars should step up their non-alcoholic games in 2019. This is a topic that me and my fellow teetotaling friends often bitch upon, namely that in a world where cocktail menus are thesis-length and sometimes contain their own glossary (I KID YOU NOT. I SAW THIS ONCE), those of us who abstain from booze for a myriad of reasons are often stuck with sugary soda in a sippy cup with a snarky raisedeyebrow chaser. And when you’re an extreme extrovert like I am who still enjoys socializing in establishments designed to get you soused, that can get supes awkward and frustrating. Like the time that I went to a fancy-ass beer bar with a client, and was told that all they had, non-alcoholic-wise, was Mexican Coca-Cola in a bottle because they “wanted to maintain the standards of the beverage menu.” No craft NA beer, no sparkling water, no Diet Coke (grounds for closing any establishment in my books,) so they gave me tepid tap water in a cup that resembled the plastic soda glasses adorning Pizza Hut buffets of the 90s. PSSST, culinary establishments? There are ways to make delicious craft cocktails, and bars like The Interval in San Francisco have figured it out and excelled at it. So get better already, and take my money!
Today in headlines that will 100% take over for my 2019 mantra in case of emergency: People Who “Pretend” To Be Shitty Are Frequently Just Shitty.
And finally, McSweeney’s once again transcribes the state my brain drifts to when I can’t fall asleep: How To Bathe a Horse.
Have you had some water this morning and reminded yourself how lovely you are? Because you should! Be kind to yourself, and be kind to each other.