I Got Into College The Old Fashioned Way: An Elaborate Farm Animal Smuggling Ring.
My scrumptious ones, it’s a glorious morning and I cannot wait to share some of the insanity with you. But first, can we just talk about this text from my Mum:
TO THE INTERNET!
So many of y’all sent this to me but don’t worry, it also hit twitter like a ton of bribed bricks: yesterday, a bunch of college coaches, SAT exam administrators and parents like Lori Loughlin and Felicity Huffman were among fifty people charged with conspiracy to commit mail fraud as a part of an elaborate bribery scheme to get kids into elite colleges.
According to the indictment, which you really should read all the way through BTW, $25 million in bribes were paid between 2011 and 2018 to get students into “Yale, Stanford, UCLA, Georgetown, the University of San Diego, Wake Forest, the University of Texas, and the University of Southern California.”
Needless to say, the internet lost its collective mind because COME ON THERE ARE LEGAL WAYS TO BRIBE YOUR WAY INTO AN IVY, JUST BUY A DAMNED LIBRARY OR SOMETHING. Basically, the whole thing sucks, especially when you know there’s NO WAY it’s the only scam like this in the country. Also, shut up David Mamet.
Let it be known that the only hot take about this that I care about is James Van Der Beek’s:
Anyways, I was going to spend most of my coffee time this morning writing elaborate fan fiction about what Goldman Sachs workers are going to do now that they have a looser dress code but honestly, I think that tech workers in the Bay Area should probably learn a thing or two about tailoring, pocket squares and generally dressing at least a step above weekend errand wear at their place of employment for the love all things holy come on we’re freaking grown-ups already, so there’s no snark to be had here. Carry on!
And finally, Friend of the Missive Schuyler wanted me to know that there’s a religious sect in Vanuatu that worships Prince Phillip as a divine being, and I have no facilities with which to process that information. Consider this an FYI to y'all that yes, there's a religion for everyone.
Happy Wednesday! Be kind to each other…