If You Loved Me, You'd Buy Me A Three Million Dollar Fish, And Other Awful First Date Openers.

Hello sweethearts! I’m moving a bit slow this morning, so slow in fact that I violated the law of San Francisco Coffee Snobbery and busted out my emergency instant coffee because I didn’t feel like handgrinding the beans. Which is what I normally do. Because I am a parody of myself.

I have a very important addendum to yesterday’s note: lovely friend of the Missive Shmu noticed my crack about Chernobyl everclear in a compost bin, and had to make it even more hilarious. From his email: “May I present Atomik Vodka which is literally made with grain and water from the Chernobyl exclusion zone.” Shmu, THANK YOU. I so needed to know that when life hands humanity one of the greatest nuclear catastrophes, we will turn around and turn it into booze decades later. I raise my mug of instant coffee to you and the Chernobyl Spirit Company!

TO THE INTERNET!

  • Yesterday, micro-blogging-platform-that-I-never-really-got-into-because-I-was-afraid-of-the-community Tumblr was purchased from Verizon by Auttomattic, the company that owns blogging-platform-I-DO-know-how-to-use Wordpress.com (It’s all about me, friends…) And what was that sum, knowing that the very same Tumblr was purchased by Yahoo with fanfare and $1 billion human American dollars? Don’t worry, Dan Primack’s got you:

  • That’s right. From $1 billion to $3 million. And the internet went nuts. BTW, the greatest headline about this deal was from the Independent, which wrote Tumblr sold for less than the world's most expensive fish. Said article and included examples of said internet losing their GD minds over a company devaluation of nine hundred ninety-seven million billion, which I HAD TO GOOGLE BECAUSE I AM BAD AT MATH.

  • While we’re on this Tumblr theme, you should read Mashable’s How Yahoo derailed Tumblr.

  • My favorite chronicler of social media culture Taylor Lorenz just alerted us to the fact that Twinfluencers are a thing? Friends, I have a very real concern: have I officially aged out of the internet?!?!

  • And finally, I think I now get Brad Pitt’s popularity: Brad Pitt Is A Character Actor Trapped In A Movie Star's Body.

You’re all lovely. Be kind to each other, mmmmkay?

xoxo Amy