If You've Avoided Becoming A Parent When You Haven't Wanted To Be One Yet, This Missive Is For You.
If You've Avoided Becoming A Parent When You Haven't Wanted To Be One Yet, This Missive Is For You.
If You've Avoided Becoming A Parent When You Haven't Wanted To Be One Yet, This Missive Is For You.
I first asked a doctor for birth control when I was sixteen (a statement I never thought I’d write as the lede of a newsletter to a small but dedicated group of readers that includes family and colleagues, but, you know what, YOLO.) I was in a committed relationship with a wonderful young man who was funny and sweet and silly, who basically ruined me emotionally for every man who followed because of his kindness, kindness that lead me to think that every individual I’d ever give my heart to would be that good (Tom, if you’re out there, you were the best first love a girl could have, well done!). From that day on, I have been on some form of hormonal birth control. I am nearly 38-years-old (happy birthday month to me!), so that means 22 years of pills, or the ring, or the patch, or (finally) an IUD.
For 22 years of my life, I have been fundamentally altering my body chemistry to prevent a pregnancy so that I could live my life on my own time, in my own way. I am lucky in that I have never had to have an abortion - but access to abortion has impacted my life. In high school, I drove a friend in high school to a clinic and sat in the waiting room as she paced back and forth before her appointment. I helped friends get prescriptions for Plan B after a night gone awry. I have sobbed with a friend when they’ve had to end a very-much-wanted pregnancy because it risked their own life. And while I haven’t had one, I have had the privilege of always knowing I lived in a place where I could get one, if I needed it - I’ve always known that if the systems I set up to prevent pregnancy failed (don’t forget, folks, contraception isn’t foolproof!), I could make that choice.
Back in September, when the Supreme Court refused to block the Texas abortion ban, I wrote in this very newsletter “it’s sometimes hard to convey just how crucial a right to bodily autonomy is for someone, because for you, a romance or fling or one-night stand or (god forbid) sexual assault doesn’t necessarily bring with it the very real and life changing risk of becoming pregnant.”
If you want to read how I felt yesterday morning, the night after a draft decision was leaked in which SCOTUS is one hundred percent striking down what has been previously determined to be a constitutional right, I encourage you to read what I wrote then, because it hasn’t changed, and angry-then me already hit all of the points I was planning on re-visiting today.
But I’d like to be a bit more pointed in my call out, today. And that is to those without uteruses who read this Missive - specifically, cis men who have sex with cis women.
Because you, dear and beloved reader who is likely open minded because you read me in the mornings, have personally benefitted from access to reproductive health. Even if you don’t know it, your freedom to build a life without an unwanted pregnancy is quite likely due to the fact that your partner had bodily autonomy and access to reproductive healthcare. Because your partner was able to stop a pregnancy, YOU didn’t have to diverge your life in a fatherhood direction.
And you know what sucks? How few of you are as upset about this as we are. How the majority of the insta stories decrying this likely decision in my feed are posted by women and non-binary folks (and cis gay men - you all know who you are). Yes, I am so lucky to have some cis male reproductive health access supporters in my life, who’ve posted or tweeted or texted me about it (and you all know who you are as well MWAH kisses for ages), but my goodness, the silence from others who normally post political content on the internet is noticeable, my dudes.
One of these wonderful guy friends, who actually was the first to send me the leaked decision and shall remain nameless, has been checking in. Last night, he asked me how I was doing, and if I needed to talk. I proceeded to rant in text about how painful my IUD insertion was, and how I really wish my partner at the time had acknowledged what I was going through so we wouldn’t be parents at that point in our lives (and believe me, thank GOD we didn’t become parents)
And then I lamented how some of the males friends (husbands, boyfriends, partners of dear friends) I know who have benefitted from women’s access to reproductive healthcare are seemingly silent right now.
Because unless you’ve had a vasectomy (and if so, WELL DONE, MY FRIEND. WELL DONE), you cannot understand the lifetime of physical and emotional ramifications for women wanting to have sex that doesn’t result in a child. The very personal impact of the tools we have to prevent pregnancy - tools that run from birth control to abortion.
And men, you’ve benefitted just as much from the legal protection of reproductive healthcare, including condoms! The right of choice has been your right to choose: if you’re sitting here without an unwanted child and you’ve had sex even once in your life, you choseto graduate high school, chose to backpack around Asia, chose to go to law school, chose to have a family, or chose not to have a family.
Reproductive health is always framed as a cis woman’s right to choose, as if only women benefit but truly, you’ve benefited as well. And anyone who wants to restrict access to reproductive healthcare like abortion won’t stop there. It was never just about abortion, it was about control. In the text back and forth, my friend pointed this tweet out:
As my friend said, “IF YOU CITE TO A MAN THAT CONVICTED WITCHES YOU WENT TOO FAR BACK TO JUSTIFY YOUR POSITION”. And what is that position? CONTROL OVER OTHERS. Because as the statement reads, destroying a precedent of a right of personal privacy like this impacts… well, everything. And they are coming… for everything.
And, again: did I ever thought I would share this much personal information in a public forum? Did I ever even think to complain about these steps I’ve taken to preserve my freedom to live my life? Hell no, because I was lucky enough to be born in a time when Roe was law of the land. But as that right will so quickly be removed, it’s about time we start talking about everyone else who benefitted from us having it.
So to the fabulous non-uterus owners who’ve been able to live your life, childfree by choice, and read this Missive, please, I beg you: get fucking mad. And start expressing that anger by donating to the abortion funds that are fighting to preserve precious access to reproductive healthcare.
Because the uterus owners in your life are scared, and are pretty damned tired of taking on the burden of all this freedom on our own.
xoxo Amy
