Morning, poppets! I write to you once again from the great white north, where I fully intend to get to the bottom of why legendary Canadian lovers - I mean, gold medal-winning ice dancers - Virtue and Moir are not dating.

Not to be a hipster, but I took curling lessons waaaaaay before any of y’all discovered how weirdly enthralling it is to watch. Congrats to Alberta’s own - and members of Calgary's Glencoe Club! - Kaitlyn Lawes and John Morris who won the inaugural gold medal in mixed doubles curling.

And lest you think I’m suddenly abandoning my adopted country, I’m full on in love with halfpipe gold medalist Chloe Kim. Not only is her family goddamned adorable, girl was blasting Lady Gaga’s Paparazzi from her earbuds before her run. I love her.

In other, far less sporty news:

• Look, EPA head Scott Pruitt just prefers flying first class for thousands of dollars a leg, so us plebeian taxpayers should just get over it and STFU already.

• Presented without comment: Facebook patents tech to determine social class.

• But presented with a full on ‘holy crap, that there’s some serious shade’: GOP Senate candidate's parents max out donations to primary campaign of Democrat he hopes to unseat.

• Forced-arbitration employment agreements are garbage, so Gizmodo asked tech cos if they’re willing to get rid of them.

• Are you listening to “This Podcast Will Kill You” yet? It’s like if your two coolest epidemiologist friends held court at a house party for hours talking about how many ways nature wants to wipe out our species. And I say that as an absolute compliment.

See ya tomorrow, ya filthy animals.