Jiminy Cricket! Let’s Watch The World Burn.

Ah hoy hoy, pretties! Happiest of Tuesdays to all of you. On this, the first day of December, I hope you opened your advent calendar to something wonderful, like twenty billionaires getting together to invest in clean energy. How do you cater that strategy meeting? Where would all of the valeted jets go?

Please make sure you’re not sipping your morning brew, because Ted Cruz let us know, in a response to a town hall question about contraception for women, that “last [he] checked, we don’t have a rubber shortage in America.” In case using the word “rubber” to refer to a condom isn’t enough for you, he followed up with "Look, when I was in college, we had a machine in the bathroom. You put 50 cents in and voila!” Hey Ted Cruz: when I was at Princeton, I was chair of an organization that just HANDED THOSE OUT FOR FREE, and I’m sure they’re growing on the plants in Prospect Garden at this point. Also, he says 'Jiminy Cricket’ without irony, which must be a holdover from his days in the Great White North.

So is Donald Trump a sexist cretin, or a champion of women? The Washington Post spoke with his PR team and some of his former employees, and most state that the Donald, while crude, went above and beyond for their careers. Some even say Trump was "corporate executive ahead of his time in providing career advancement for women.” The story, however, includes the fact that he used an overweight photo of an employee to fat-shame her into getting in line. So, yea. That.

A report obtained by CBS News shows that results from a recent anonymous Peace Corps questionnaire indicate that 1 in 5 volunteers has been sexually assaulted while on duty, while half of those assaults are not reported. The organization recently fired the victim advocate they hired to help with this issue.

Gawker headline of the day: Pharmaceuticals Rapscallion Martin Shkreli Now Playing the Stock Market Like a Goddamn Pan Flute

I was going to save this for Friday’s long reads, but you must read it sooner: A Black Woman Walks Into A Gun Show. Also, I guess someone left the Vox Explainer about gun show purchase loopholes out of my New American packet I got when I took the oath.

And finally, the Merc goes into all of the insane ways Silicon Valley companies are using perks to attract and retain employees. Things like “jam rooms” where your company band can rock out, plane tickets anywhere in the world, and something called a “liquid cheese machine” - wait, what? The wee nugget I want to draw your attention is, as usual, how these perks serve the company bottom line. As the Merc mentions, it’s a helluva lot easier to cancel yoga class than it is to reduce payroll or benefits. So they can pay you less to begin with...

And for those of you who made it down this far, I give you this gif that captures how I feel about you. Toodles!