Novel Coronavirus, More Like "Overstayed Its Welcome" Coronavirus, Amirite? (Note To Self: Don't Write Subject Lines Pre-Coffee.)

Darlings! It’s Monday, we’re in the second half of July, and I’m eating leftover popcorn for breakfast. 2020 is going great, thank you for asking!

TO THE INTERNET!

  • Welp, when they aren’t sending CBP troops to Portland to jump out of unmarked vans and arrest Americans without cause in the middle of the night, the Department of Homeland Security is worried that COVID-limiting face masks might disrupt their facial recognition programs. This dystopic timeline truly is the bleakest.

  • Ooof, working for the Ellen show does NOT seem like a good time. But I know that because they keep insisting on scaring the delightful actress Sarah Paulson every time she is on the show, and as someone who is herself easily frightened, I like it not!

  • What truly scares me is that it will in order to actually respect the novel coronavirus for the danger it is, will all MAGA conservatives need to have a family member suffer from it? Oof. And a question from this here non-scientist, when is this specific novel coronavirus no longer new? Like, when does this name no longer work for us? And when does this specific virus get a name like “that jerk” or “your ex” or something equally rude that you can curse under your breath at various times of the day? Like, “Ugh, ‘my ex’ has killed nearly 150,000 k and conservatives aren’t taking him seriously.” Editor’s note: That was a hacky joke and you should NOT be laughing. The writer who penned it has been sent to the Ellen show as penance.

  • And finally, if you need a good scare, check out the Disney World “welcome back” video. It’s a couple weeks old, but the spoofs are topnotch.

Y’all are lovely. Be kind to each other, and wear your masks!

Xoxo Amy