Scary Botox Stories You Tell After Work, and Other Hyper-Relevant Tales by Ted Cruz's Roommate
|Amy Widdowson||Jun 5, 2019|
My darlings! I’m sitting in my kitchen with the rising sun on my face and it is gosh darned delightful and all I want to do is stroll to work with a spring in my step and a grin on my face. So let’s get to the internet before my daily dose of 2019 nihilism sets in. Smooches!
If you’re like me and like to unwind after a long day at work by binge-watching a historically-realistic miniseries based on the largest nuclear calamity this world oh-so-narrowly avoided—written by Ted Cruz’s former roommate at Princeton no less LOL—then you really should be watching Chernobyl. It’s quite good, and tiring.
Whilst on his Great British Adventure For The Biggest of Big Boys, Jared Kushner did a filmed interview with Axios and it… ahem… didn’t go great. Also, if I was a terrible person who body-shamed celebrities, I’d point out to you all that anyone who at that age feels they have to pump THAT much botox and filler into their faces needs to reevaluate their life choices as it seems that working in the current administration is hard on one’s face… ok yep, I’m just a terrible person.
Nothing to see here, just Russia demanding the confidential information—including private messages—of Tinder users. No way this information could be nefariously used by a government that cracks down on gay rights via “anti-propaganda” laws + law enforcement turning a blind eye to vigilante violence. In other absolutely one hundred percent unrelated-and-absolutely-shouldn’t-scare-you news, U.S. State Department begins social media screening for nearly all visa applicants.
In only slightly-less-dystopic news, Greg Keraghosian at SFGate profiled an SF photographer who helps Bay Area singles put their best face forward on dating apps for the low price of $875. And no you cynical monsters, I shall not be snarky about this clever individual who saw a huge market demand and went for it, because we are currently in a charming-yet-casual-but-not-too-casual photo arms race and we all deserve the best arsenal. These omnipotent awkward selfies taken from below, indiscernible group snapshots and the millionth Machu Picchu photo don’t do anyone any favors in our four-year-old “dating apocalypse.” Good for you, photographer human.
And finally, in “McSweeney’s Sees Me” news, I Don’t Think A Woman Is Electable In 2020 Because Last Time Around The Female Nominee Only Got Three Million More Votes Than Her Opponent.
I adore you all. Be kind to each other.