The Password For Our Next Zoom Happy Hour Is WHERE'S YOUR LLAMA?!?
Darlings! I’m trying hard to stick to schedules, but today I hit snooze four times (yikes) and basically missed the 5-6 am hour, which is sometimes the most productive part of the morning, and sometimes the time when I stare at my kettle and wonder why it isn’t warming up, before shaking my head and realizing I didn’t turn the stove on. Which makes me think that I need to make my smart lights come on at a certain time, or train Alexa to blast Carly Rae Jepsen if I hit snooze more than twice. And btw, when I say “hit snooze”, I mean “bark ALEXA, SNOOZE!” over and over again. My word, by the time this is all done, I’ll be even more unable to exist in society without the technological assistance of my apartment, and I for one welcome my new robot overlords, especially if they can tell me the weather when I say Good Morning to them. I’m basically the cheeriest subject of the most banal Black Mirror episode ever.
TO THE INTERNET.
I know y’all saw this, but I was only just now able to type up this Missive after frisbee-tossing my MacBook across the street in anger after reading that THE PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES CLAIMED HE HAD “TOTAL” AUTHORITY, an idea I distinctly remember missing from the book I studied for my U.S. citizenship test, indeed an authoritarian concept I also distinctly remember being the reason a new country was established in response to in, oh I dunno, in and around 1776 in this same country. And while I’m glad that the political condemnation of this came from both sides of the aisle, I’m not going to hold my breath that the same senators who voted against impeachment are going to actually, you know, DO ANYTHING about it. So let this be a reminder to us all: head on over to Vote Save America to find out how you can get involved in the lead up to November.
After being exposed by classmates on social media for traveling on Spring Break after the COVID crisis, angry students are allegedly harassing and threatening to sue anyone who posts. And while I in no way condone actual doxxing or bullying, I also think that getting yelled at for posting your Cabo pics taken during a pandemic and revealing that you could have brought back a virus that has infected two million people worldwide and killed nearly 130,000 is… karmic?
Today, in “nature is freaking loving these stay-at-home orders”: Yosemite National Park is closed to visitors. Now, bears are thriving. You see, a biologist did a Facebook Live chat wherein she described black bears as having a “party” and now I so desperately want a t-shirt with a bunch of bears on it in party hats, thwacking a beehive-shaped piñata in front of Half Dome. Also: “thwacking” is the most satisfying onomatopoeic word to type, hands down.
And finally, YOU CAN HIRE A LLAMA OR GOAT TO CRASH YOUR NEXT ZOOM MEETING. Basically, you pay a rancher to dial in to your next Zoom stand-up and they hold their phone up to said animal for the delight of you and all of your homebound colleagues. This is the height of creative capitalism and I am HERE FOR IT, especially since one farm is calling the service Goat 2 Meeting. You know, like Go2Meeting, but with goats. THAT’S A TECH COMPANY NAME PUN AND I LOVE IT.
This Missive had a lot of ALL-CAPS yelling, a telling indicator that today’s going to be a fun one. Be kind to each other, mmmkay?