Happy Thursday, darlings. In typical three-day week style, it feels like Tuesday and Friday at the same time, and I still haven’t quite emerged from my holiday email pile-on. So instead, to the internets we go to distract us from this mortal coil.

• Have you ever wondered what happens when you teach artificial intelligence to name Guinea Pigs?

• Today, in real news as “good news”-bait: A Connecticut town kept their Fourth of July partying down to a dull roar to protect a family of bald eagles.

• Fun fact: The most trouble I got into as a young child was when I lied about cleaning my room so that I could watch Family Matters, a statement easily disproved when my Mum saw the state of my floor. Turns out that science says kids are pretty darned good at lying (shocked! I am), and learn to do so at a very young age. Meanwhile, here’s a completely unrelated look at the specific structural lies of a certain POTUS. Spoiler: it’s not about Carter.

• I’m Not A Lawyer® but I do love learning legal history and yelling at the internet, so Roman Mars’s new podcast What Trump Can Teach Us About Con Law is my new gardening soundtrack. The roses love my rage clipping.

• And finally, yes, we all know how to push the button for the elevator.

As always, YOU are wonderful.