Weakness And Reality And A Reading List

Annnnnnnnnd in the spirit of having more to think about, let’s talk about strength and weakness, shall we? (For those looking for reading material, scroll past the sea of text, I’m in a pensive mood)

I cannot stand the thought of being perceived as weak, and that discomfort has served me well in some respects and not that well in others, though I’m sure that we could spend hours discussing “defense mechanisms” and “trauma adaptations”. In the face of profoundly unsettling change, or a major physical trauma, or a worldwide freaking pandemic that sticks one in a junior one bedroom apartment for months, I like to think I can stiff upper lip it, a la my grandmother and the British side of my family. I am determined that, no matter what has been thrown at me, I’ve aspired to Keep Calm and Carry On, to push through with dignity.

So why am I humblebragging about my ability to grin and bear it, to just keep going? Because yesterday, I had to choose otherwise.

A long-scheduled dentist appointment occurred Wednesday afternoon, wherein I was swapping out permanent retainers for removable evening ones, not only because said retainers had been in for over 20 years and were starting to fail, but also to help prevent me from grinding my teeth in my sleep. It should have been an in-and-out session, with the dentist using a drill to dislodge the cement from the old retainers, pulling ‘em all out, and plop in already-crafted retainers made from a session before the holidays. It was supposed to be no big deal, and I’d scheduled it in the middle of the week for that very reason - I could log off a bit early and then head home to go about the rest of my day, easy peasy.

But the moment the drill touched the back of my teeth, it became apparent that this wasn’t going to be an easy process. Because, it turns out, I have ultra sensitive teeth when it comes to vibration. What should have been absolutely painless proved excruciating.

Let it be known that I AM FINE (Mum and Dad, that’s for you) and I’ll spare you the details because I know many of you are likely already clicking away at the thought of dental horror, but in short, the entire process was awful. In fact, at one point, the staff was debating whether or not to use an injectable anesthetic, LIKE I WAS GETTING A ROOT CANAL, just so we could get through it. Again, for a supposedly painless procedure.

A few years back, I wrote about coming to terms with my longstanding posturing as a cool girl, someone who doesn’t care, take up space, or do anything to bug or annoy anyone else. I’d assumed I was getting older and giving fewer fucks.

But in that moment on Wednesday, after the umpteenth time pain shot through my body and I physically winced (not a good thing when a live drill is in your mouth btw), I started to cry.

And I was embarrassed. Embarrassed that it hurt. Embarrassed that a dental hygienist had to wipe away my tears while they switched to a drill bit designed for children’s procedure. But, most notably, I was embarrassed I couldn’t just tough it out. And here I was, blubbering in a dental chair.

And look, I’m fine: they were able to finish it up, after a long and careful process with plenty of breaks. But at 8:30 that night I basically lost it. I was tired, my head hurt, my teeth hurt, and I just couldn’t face a day full of calls.

So I took a sick day. But I really didn’t want to.

Fair reader, I regret to inform you that all of the above is laid out to set us up for the most profound sentence (LOL j/k) you’ll ever read: I didn’t want to take a sick day because it would be weak to do so.

Writing that out now seems insane - I was in no state to think, let alone work, wasn’t able to eat non-mushy foods, so of COURSE that is what sick days are for. But in the moment, my jerk brain told me it was a failure: I wasn’t strong enough to just keep going. Despite that self-hate, however, I took it and napped, drank smoothies and swallowed ibuprofen.

Yikes, this post is venturing into shitty LinkedIn influencer territory (“What A Dental Appointment Gone Bad Taught Me About Vulnerability At Work”), so let’s end it on a TL;DR: 

Listen to your body, empower—and trust—your teams to do the work without you, and take the damned sick day when you need it.

TO THE READING STUFF

Zoe Schiffer, Casey Newton, And Alex Heath, Extremely Hardcore (The Verge) - If you’re obsessed with the Twitter drama, you must read this insanely well-sourced story.

Dino Grandoni, Burning Man touts sustainability. Now it’s suing to block clean energy. (Washington Post) 

Vanessa Friedman, Clothes Make the Con Man (NYT)

Evan Osnos, The Getty Family’s Trust Issues (The New Yorker)

Susie Cagle, Deciding to Rebuild After a Fire Is Just the First Step (Dwell)

You’re swell! Drink some water, get outside, be kind to each other.

Xoxo Amy