🎵 You Give Satan A Bad Name 🎵

Friends, sometimes Missives write themselves. Wednesday, in one of the most deliciously catty moments of the 2016 campaign, John Boehner was jaw-droopingly blunt about Ted Cruz on stage at Stanford. When asked about the Republican candidate, Boehner “made a face” and called him “Lucifer in the flesh,” following with "I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life" (emphasis mine.)

Yes, this actually happened. These comments fill me with historical glee and modern-day-dread with the thought that we have returned to a political age like the one when Martha Washington called Thomas Jefferson "one of the most detestable of mankind."

And following that, Ted Cruz was all - and I paraphrase - “Boehner, this guy: he golfs with Trump... Him calling me Lucifer is more of a ‘he who smelt it, dealt it’ situation... Uhhh, I don’t even know this dude.” Which was especially interesting, considering Ted Cruz was John Boehner’s lawyer in the 1990s.

Don’t worry, guys. The Washington Post - slowly morphing the thinking person’s real-life Onion - spoke with an exorcist regarding exorcism. Because journalism. And it doesn’t really matter anyways, because the Satanic Temple disavowed any association with Ted Cruz. Bad for the brand, after all.

And finally, if you’re lacking something to haunt your dreams this weekend, just remember that earlier-than-normal warm temperatures are causing scorpion swarms in Arizona. From the Times: “[they] buttoned their shirt collars snug against their necks (to keep bugs from falling in)” AW HELL NO.

You’re welcome, darlings. Have a great weekend.